True Stories: continuing our occasional series of stories from our PA members
No.10 – The Bragging Rights of a Peacock
You know when the Boss has been having a good chin wag with his peers because he sends you an email the following weekend, asking about a perk he didn’t know he had. For example, he emailed me to ask, “Am I a member of something called Greenfield’s*? Charles seemed to think I was. What is this place?”
Firstly, the “Greenfields” in question is one of the most exclusive membership-only golf clubs in the U.K. and its recent sale to a large corporate has made it even more exclusive, as the new owners have put tighter restrictions on who can join. Secondly the slightly disingenuous “What is this place?” shows that – although he guessed from the conversation that it’s probably very exclusive – he didn’t want to lose face by asking the question!
However, now he’s on a roll and asks me to find out what clubs there are in his area because it’s part of his company package that he is entitled to membership somewhere – so of course he is going to pick the best. The fact he doesn’t know what constitutes the best, means he falls into the category of people I like to call “peacocks”; they look the part and parade about in places deemed fashionable, and delude themselves into thinking that they belong when anyone truly in the know can see right through the facade.
So, perfect PA that I am, I diligently start making enquiries and come up with my top 20, plotted on a very large map with his house in the centre so he can gauge how far he needs to go in order to peacock.
But he is still none the wiser, and requires advice. I draft in a colleague who has a scratch handicap and a much better understanding of golf, having played at the large majority of those on my map.
Boss listened attentively to “Scratch” who ran through his top five. Boss wasn’t interested in where they were, he simply wanted to know the level of their exclusivity. Pruning his feathers as they talked, he reached a “Let’s make enquiries on these ones” conclusion and I was sent away to start the process.
Then Scratch, hovering at the door to Boss’s lair, happened to mention one club so exclusive they don’t advertise, have no website and membership is based solely on who-you-know.
From my desk I heard a muted ruffling and before I knew it Boss was standing there, his peacock tail fanned out in all its colourful look-at-me-glory, and somehow, I guessed it was this little snippet of information that had grabbed his attention.
“Yeah well good luck on that,” Scratch laughed as he left. “I would say that would be a challenge indeed.” And he and Boss shared one of those hearty dismissive guffaws that only managers do when they say one thing and mean another. But I knew exactly what was coming next.
Boss was deep in thought, actively searching the internet for this exclusive club with no website, as he rolled the name around in his mouth like a boiled sweet. Then he looked up and eyed me for a while as I gathered up the map and loose paperwork scattered all over his desk.
“Hmmmm – OK so you’re working on those top five. Good, good…..” he said causally. Except that it wasn’t casual at all. A pause, a languid shuffle in his seat, a long stretch. “That exclusive club sounds interesting, doesn’t it? That would be good…..that would be a good challenge…..don’t you think?”
“You want me to find this place and get the info, don’t you?” I said and his tail feathers fanned out again and his eyes flashed an affirmative yes.
So where do you start when you need to find something that doesn’t openly market itself? Where do you go to obtain the unobtainable? What place has all the answers? Tapping into google and scrutinising every search it throws up takes a bit of leg work, but eventually my Poirot skills gets a sniff and I’m away making connections and networking.
Before long, I’m chatting on the phone to a lady in membership, who’s asking me all sorts of questions and I feel like I’m applying to join MI5. Then she does the “let me try and transfer you through” gambit – when you know she’s just put you on mute and is counting to 10 in her head. She returns to the call and says, “Sorry but Mr So&So isn’t available to take your call. But give me your details and I’ll pass them on to him and get him to call you back.” And you just know that all she is doing is repeating your details back to you, while watching some cute kitten video on YouTube and there isn’t a pen or paper in sight. You just know that’s how it is …..and that you’ll never ever hear back from Mr So&So – even if you live to be 100 and get knighted by the Queen.
You just know…..that’s how it is.
And in this case, you’d be absolutely and utterly …..wrong! Because a day later I do get a phone call from Mr So&So. And I’m thinking “Is this guy for real? He’s the manager of the most exclusive club in the UK and he’s calling me? Yeah right……” And gradually I realise that he is actually who he says he is and I lift my finger away from the disconnect button – and start fanning myself as a hot flush comes on.
Ten minutes later I put the phone down and send a message to Scratch: “challenge completed – you owe me a beer”. And before you can say hole-in-one, he’s leaning over my desk with his tongue out, greedily soaking up the details of my phone conversation, as this is the closest he’ll ever get to this club and simply knowing this info has given him a special glow. Although, not as special as the glow around me.
Wallowing in my own smugness, I sit grinning like the Cheshire Cat and staring into Boss’ office. Eventually some sixth sense makes him look up and he sees my ludicrous gurning grin and does a double take. It obviously disturbs him a little.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m grinning so?” I tease. He looks even more uncomfortable. And then slowly, cautiously asks why.
“Because you’re about to tell me I’m the most awesome PA ever.”
He squints at me as if to say “over my dead body!”
And then I tell that this most awesome PA ever has just obtained the unobtainable and got him an invitation for membership at the most exclusive golf club ever….. Boss’ face lights up and he’s at my desk in a flash.
Then in the seconds that follow there is a mighty whooshing and fluttering. But this time it isn’t Boss who’s parading around like a peacock – it’s me! Because he’s just told me, “OK, you are the Most Awesome PA Ever.”
